


Self Conclusion

by Stokley



Category: South of Nowhere
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 00:40:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7596532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stokley/pseuds/Stokley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I wrote this a long time ago to a challenge on the Spashley Board: I'd love for someone to do a fic based on the song Self Conclusion by The Spill Canvas. With Spencer in the girl's position, and Ashley in the guy's. It's one of the first fics I wrote ages ago so be gentle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Self Conclusion

**Self-Conclusion**

_Fade in, start the scene_  
_Enter beautiful girl_  
 _But things are not what they seem_  
 _As we stand at the edge of the world_

I looked up at the stars, from my current perspective I couldn't see them as the streetlight about twenty yards behind me cast a pale, faint florescent glow, effectively cocooning me in its artificial sunlight. I was so incredibly tired of everything being fake, artificial. I needed something real, something that couldn't be faked. In the distance I could just make out a few of the brightest stars. Climbing over the guardrail that is suppose to keep us safe but really only serves to remind me of how we're suppose to stay within the lines, I made my way towards the cliffs in order to get a better view, a better perspective than what I was currently allowed.

The moon shone off the water below the cliff's edge where I sat, just watching the waves crash upon the hard rocks below. I took a deep breath, leaning back on my hands and looked up, there they were, sure, silent, constant, real, the stars. I stand up, unconsciously wanting to get as close to them as possible. I lean my head back and reach my arms out to my sides, feeling the ocean breeze run through my dark brown hair. I feel my dyed red bangs gently caress my forehead. For the first time in what feels like forever, I feel real, this moment feels real. I'm so caught up in this feeling, that I almost don't hear the sound of someone else climbing over the guardrail, almost.

I turn around and see a girl swinging her denim clad leg over the rail. For a moment the artificial light of the street lamp splashes on her and my breath catches in my throat. Her straight, blonde hair is flowing around her, giving her an ethereal glow. As her scuffed up Chucks hit the ground our eyes meet, her eyes remind me of the raging ocean during a storm. All the breath in my body has left me, I feel light headed and my heart started to pound as we just look at each other. She walks over to the cliffs edge where I already am, her eyes never leaving mine. Seems I'm not the only one that doesn't want to safely stay within the lines tonight.

 _"Excuse me, sir,_  
_But I have plans to die tonight_  
_Oh, and you are directly in my way_  
_And I bet you're gonna say it's not right_ "

I stand on the edge, not moving as she comes closer to me. I recognize the look in her eyes and I'm not moving because suddenly this moment is the most real moment I've ever had in my 18 years of life. I'm not sure how long we stood seeing deep into each others eyes; it could have been five minutes, half an hour, an hour, an eternity. We just stood there, staring at each other, neither moving, neither speaking.

She finally takes a step closer to me, we're only a few feet away from each other and I can feel her just as much as if she was physically pressed against me. I'm searching her eyes for any sign, for some anchor, for any slight hesitation but I'm not finding it. I feel a shiver go down my spine, and my heart aches for this girl I don't know, standing as close as she can on the edge of the cliffs without any hesitation.

"Excuse me, do you mind leaving? I want to be alone for this and you're kind of in my way." Her soft gentle voice startles me out of the exploration I've been conducting within her eyes. Her hands are tucked into the front pockets of her faded jeans. Her eyes have never wavered from mine as she spoke.

My breath hitched at the bleak resolve in her voice. I felt my heart breaking apart at the lack of hesitation. I can't think to speak; all I can do is give a small shake of my head. I'm waiting to see if any hesitation will shine in those impossibly blue eyes of hers now that I won't move, now that I've postponed her plans for the moment but there's not a speck of indecision in those tormented eyes. For once, I'm scared not for myself, like I normally am, but for this broken girl standing in front of me. If there was any doubt as to why she was here late at night it's now gone.

She tilts her head slightly to the right, a sad smile gracing her lips. "I bet you're going to say something about this not being right but to me it's the only choice." She looks over my shoulder at the edge behind me, almost longingly.

 _My reply:_  
_"Excuse me, miss_  
_But do you have the slightest clue_  
_Of exactly what you just said to me_  
_And exactly who you're talking to?"_

She hasn't moved any closer or further away from me so I slowly take a small step forward towards her, unable to move any closer for fear that she'll bolt around me and jump off the edge before I can think of anything to say, anything to save this fallen angel in front of me. I can see myself mirrored back in her eyes. It's almost too intense, almost too real but at her sad smile I find a new resolve within me, all within the most real smile I've ever received.

The fear that paralyzed me before now gives me the strength I need to find my voice. "Excuse me, but do you realize what you just said to me and exactly who it is you're talking to?" I keep my voice low, gentle like hers but with a purpose. I need to talk to her, I have to keep her talking until the hesitation comes, until I can see a flicker of indecision in her eyes.

My words just hang in the air for a moment, the warm breeze now feels like a cold chill as I wait for her response, be it by words or actions.

 _She said, "I don't care, you don't even know me"_  
_I said, "I know but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully"_  
_Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion_  
_Of self conclusion in one simplified motion_  
_You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it_  
_No matter how unbearable this misery gets_

"I don't care. You don't even know me." She tilts her head again and crosses her arms against her chest, almost hugging herself through her grey, Etnies hoodie. It's not said with anger but with faked indifference. I can't stand for there to be anything fake or artificial in our interactions with each other, not now. She's trying to act tough, unaffected, but I see her façade for what it is; there are cracks in her walls down to the very foundation. I can see how she is barely keeping it together, even though her exterior doesn't belie her words, it's the agony and loss of hope I see in her eyes that does.

I give her a slight shrug to convey my indifference to her words, but more towards her false bravado. "I know but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully. I'm Ashley." I hold out my hand, an insincere act that people do everyday when meeting someone new, but I've never been as sincere in touching another person as I am right now with her.

She looks down at my outstretched hand, as if it was a puzzle to be solved and maybe it is for her. Slowly, she uncrosses her arms. It feels like forever as her hand makes it way towards mine. Her hand finally takes mine, squeezing it. "Spencer."

With that simple touch I swear the entire universe flashed before my eyes. It disoriented me for a minute. I opened my eyes not even realizing I had closed them. I can feel her eyes on me before I even look up. She has a look on her face I can't describe, so I just hold her hand tighter and pull her down with me to sit. We're now sitting in the same positions we were standing in, my back to the edge while she's directly in front of me.

Our never ending handshake has turned into us just holding hands. I'm holding on to her to keep her anchored here, to keep her from going to soon. I don't know why she hasn't taken her hand from mine but she's fidgeting with my fingers, so that just our fingertips are touching, then she cups her hand to bring our hands full together again, only to open her hand again and sliding her fingers back so that again it's just our fingertips. She keeps doing this over and over again while staring over my shoulder at the ocean and sky. I find it comforting, it feels like we have always been sitting here on the cliff, with the stars shining bright above us while the waves crash against the rocks below us.

"My brother died about a month ago. He was shot at our high school prom. My Mom and Dad are getting a divorce because my mother has been having an affair and my mom told me I was going to hell because of the way I loved." Her voice is soft, barely above a whisper.

I look up from the dance our hands are doing and take a deep breath, in the very depths of her eyes I finally see what I've been searching for all night, I finally see the faint glimmer of hesitation. I wait knowing she has more to say, waiting for her to get it all out. The breeze from the ocean feels just a bit warmer now, the stars just a bit brighter.

"It's just too much; I feel it all too much. I don't want to feel this hole in my heart where my brother was. I don't want this pain anymore my mom's words cause me. She looks at me with such disgust and remorse. I know she's thinking it should have been me and not my brother that died that night. My dad use to be so great and supportive but now he's so far down a bottle I can't even reach him. I don't have anyone left. I've lost everything and have nothing left." She lists out all the wrongs that have happened in her brief life, everything that has brought her to this cliff, this edge, this moment tonight. She's laying it all out in her quiet, husky voice that causes my heart to beat faster and my mouth to go dry.

I take a shaky breath and try to find the right words, words that won't send her over this cliff and out of my life forever. I hold tighter to her hand and look up at the sky, the stars still shining brightly down on us.

"Some of those stars we are seeing right now, aren't even there anymore, they've burnt out long before we were even on this planet. It's amazing when you think about it, how the light we're now seeing, some of it took longer than the whole of human history just to make it here for us to see, it traveled thousands, millions even, of years just so you and I could sit here right now and see their light. Even long after they're gone, their light is still here for us to marvel at. We make up stories for what each constellation is because we need to feel a part of it all, a part of the universe. We need to feel like we are in control of the stars and what they mean." I chanced a look at her and saw that she was listening to me. She was leaning towards me so feeling bold I took our joined hands and pointed out a well known constellation.

"See those stars there? That's Orion. Orion was born to the childless widower Irieus, a poor shepherd, who invited the gods Zeus, Poseidon and Mercury to dinner without knowing who they were. Unable to offer them anything to eat, he butchered the only animal he had, an ox, and made them comfortable. For his sacrifice and hospitality the gods offered him anything he could want. Irieus asked for a son and Orion was born from the ox skin some months later. As Orion grew he became a great hunter as well as a friend and lover of the goddess Artemis. Her brother, Apollo, became jealous of Artemis' infatuation with Orion and attempted to have him killed by a scorpion placed on his hunting path. As Orion approached, the scorpion fled. With the hunter in pursuit it jumped into the ocean and swam with Orion close behind. Apollo placed a beam of light on the swimmer and dared his sister to hit the tiny spot on the water. Never one to pass on a chance to showcase her hunting skills, Artemis killed her lover with a single arrow. His body washed up on the shore the next day. In her sorrow she asked that Zeus place him in the sky where he could remain for eternity with his hunting dogs and the hare Lepus. Apollo insisted that the scorpion be placed in the sky as well to commemorate the hunter's downfall. Apollo was kind of an ass." I looked down from showing her the different constellations that were part of Orion's story. She was looking up at the stars with more concentration than she had when I had first started my story.

"Basically, Spence, bad things happen to good people but that's no reason to give up. You'll never experience all the greatness of life if you just give up because of the stuff that truly sucks. You'll never get to see all the light that has traveled billions and billions of miles just for you to see." Her eyes are now firmly on me, that flicker of hesitation I had seen early was brighter now, I could see her thinking. I allowed a small, brief smile to spread across my face.

 _"You make it sound so easy to be alive_  
_But tell me, how am I supposed to seize this day_  
_When everything inside me has died?_ "

The moment is broken when she suddenly jumps up. I felt the panic rise up inside me as I quickly scramble up after her, standing guard. I'm now her personal guardrail against the edge that's behind me. She's standing in front of me, the most pained look I've ever witnessed on her face. I almost feel like an intruder, like I'm seeing something I shouldn't be seeing because the hurt on her face and in her eyes is so raw, so much more real than real should be. I feel the bile in the back of my throat, my stomach is churning, thinking that I've made it worse, that I've caused this panic when she seemed so calm moments before.

She starts pacing in front of me, my eyes keeping darting as she's moving back and forth, left to right in front of me, never backing away but never getting closer to the edge and me. As I'm watching her I can't help but think she's having an internal argument with herself, her arms are moving around in frustration, her cracks are starting to get bigger and it's only a matter of time before all the walls come crashing down.

I'm trying to think of something, anything to say, to calm her down, to make her see that all is not lost, she's not lost, not if she'll let me find her.

She abruptly stops right in front of me, her eyes bore into mine, brown on blue, comparing and contrasting, and that unending well of suffering I see within them cause me to almost flinch. Almost. I don't. I hold her gaze as she takes a few deep breaths, then in the most heartbreaking voice, she voices her thoughts. I want to cry as her voice is what I'd imagine an angel's voice to sound like when it was cast from heaven.

"You make it sound so easy to be alive," her voice is close to breaking. I see her fighting back the tears that threaten to escape the confines of those magnet eyes. "But tell me how am I supposed to continue living, seizing the day, when everything inside me has died?"

For a brief second I see a challenge in those eyes, a challenge to give her a reason, to give her hope, to give her something real to hold onto. As sudden as it appeared, it's gone. Replaced by desolation, anguish, loss, so much pain, I feel it in my very soul and it hurts, oh, God, how it hurts. I feel as if my very soul is shredding. I know if I could take all of it for her, I would.

 _My reply:_  
_"Trust me, girl_  
_I know your legs are pleading to leap_  
_But I offer you this easy choice-_  
_Instead of dying, living with me"_

Taking a breath, I decide to jump in my own way. I decide to give as much honesty as she's given me. Even through her despair, I hope she feels even just a fraction of what I'm feeling. I hope she feels how real this whole night has been. I tentatively reach out to her towards her, when she doesn't move away I gently take her hands in mine, trying to pour all my understanding and compassion into this touch, this contact. Taking another breath, I prepare myself to fall as I look up into those stormy eyes.

"Trust me, Spence, I know how hard it is. I know how much a part of you just wants to jump, I know how your legs are pleading to leap. I know this but let me offer you an easier choice, instead of dying, living with me." I hold her stare while I talk; my voice is firm but soft.

The moment stretches as my words are out there, waiting for her to process them, waiting for her to accept them.

 _She said, "Are you crazy? You don't even know me."_  
_I said, "I know, but I'd like to change that soon hopefully"_  
_Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion_  
_Of self conclusion in one simplified motion_  
_You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it_  
_No matter how unbearable this misery gets_

It takes just a few brief seconds for her to listen to my words. Her expression stays the same, not showing that she heard them but I know she did. In these brief ticks of the clock I'm hyper aware of everything around me. The breeze feels like a howling wind, the cliff's edge behind my back feels like a never ending drop, the waves crashing against the rocks sound like a roar as I hold my breath waiting for her answer.

After what feels like centuries of waiting, her eyes flash with life, she drops my hands and gives me an incredulous look. "Are you crazy? You don't even know me." Her voice rises slightly. She's desperately trying to rebuild her crumbling walls, I can see her scrambling to toss those bricks back up, but they just keep falling all around her.

"I know but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully." I answer softly, falling helplessly into her eyes. I want to say so much more, but I'm unsure of what more I can say. I'm not use to not being able to find words when I need them but something about her makes words seem too clumsy, to much of an invasion, an unwelcomed guest in our moment.

Her arms are back to hugging her slender frame, she looks so small, so defeated but I know that somewhere in there is a fighter, I've seen it flash in the depths of her eyes all night. I have to find a way to make her realize it. I want her to see herself as I'm seeing her, beautiful, strong, alive.

" _I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough_  
_And all this cliche motivation, it could never be enough_  
_I could stand here all night trying to convince you_  
_But what good would that do?_  
_My offer stands, and you must choose"_

Before my eyes I see her breaking, I see her falling apart and without thought I take the few steps between us and hold her in my arms, surprised when she doesn't resist. Through the thick cotton of her hoodie, I can feel her shaking, I hold her tighter. She buries her head into my neck, her arms are still around her body but she's leaning into me like I'm the only thing keeping her upright, her only support and I think I just might be.

Her hair smells faintly of lilacs and a hint of vanilla, I breathe deeply; nothing matters to me more than this beautifully broken girl in my arms. I silently promise to help her put the pieces back together if she'll let me. I tighten my arms and feel her ease even more into me, as if she was trying to hide inside of me. I want to tell her she doesn't have to try to get inside of me, that she's already become a part of me on this dark, star filled night filled with our real moments.

It's with a cold start that I realize that there aren't words to make this better, there isn't a quick fix, that this is out of my hands. Everything is in her small shaking hands. The time for talking has long passed, was gone before she even jumped that guardrail and into my life.

I pulled back slowly, just enough to look at her, but never letting go, hoping she understands what I'm trying to silently tell her, I won't let her fall if she needs me to support her.

I gently whisper into her ear, getting lost in lilacs and vanilla, "I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough and all this cliché motivation, it could never be enough." Her eyes have turned up into mine, wetness pooling in the corners, the storm within them is about to break.

I tenderly push a stray blonde strand behind her ear. "I could stand here all night trying to convince you but what good would that do? My offer stands and you must choose."

I still holding her against me, as long as I hold her, she's still here but I have to let go and let her make her choice. I have to let go and let her fly on her own, whether it's with me or over this jagged edge, it's her choice to make. As much as I want make it for her, I can't. I let go and take a step back, my body already missing the warm of hers against me.

 _"All right, you win, but I only give you one night_  
_To prove yourself to be better than my attempt at flight_  
_I swear to god if you hurt me I will leap_  
_I will toss myself from these very cliffs_  
_And you'll never see it coming"_

She seems to be missing our physical contact as well as a slightly shocked look crosses her face. I'm trying not to plead with my eyes but it's so hard, I want to beg her but I know I can't. I can't try and manipulate her response because if she doesn't want to be here she won't be. It's that simple, this is something that can't be faked.

The contemplative look on her face gives me hope then she turns to look out over the edge. It takes everything in me not to pull her back into my arms, to keep her as far from that edge as possible, but I don't. I force my arms to stay at my sides, I will my legs not to move.

There's a storm raging in her eyes of hurricane proportions as I watch her battle with her self, her demons. Her hands clinch and unclench, over and over as they hang down at her side. A few times she's gone to cross her arms around her body only to stop halfway and let them fall back down at her sides. As the light wind from the ocean blows over us, her hair frames her face, I want to reach out and put it back behind her ears but I don't move. I have to let her figure this out. She needs to want to live. I can't live for both of us, even though I would if it was possible. I know I'm asking a lot of her. I'm asking her to give me a chance to prove that the rest of life is worth all the heartbreak and grief she's gone through already.

The longer she looks out over the ocean the more nervous I get. What makes me think she's going to trust in me, a stranger, to make it better? The thing is, she doesn't feel like a stranger to me, she feels more real than anyone ever has in my life. I feel like I've known her my whole life, even though I don't know the basic things. I may not know her favorite color, or the way she likes to take her coffee, or what her favorite song is, but I know the things that matter. I know she's been hurt deeply, I know that somewhere inside is a strong person, I know that with a smile she could make everything feel right inside me. I know the pain inside her because she let me see it, because I recognized it as my own.

My eyes haven't left her as she stands there closer to the edge than she has all night. I see her let out a long slow breath then turn back to me. There are fresh tears tracks on her face and I just want to wipe them away but I can't, not yet. She doesn't meet my eyes. She just looks down at the ground as her voice softly cuts through the night.

"Alright, you win, but I only give you one night to prove yourself better than my attempt at flight." Her voice is low, barely above a whisper but there's a feeling of conviction to it that I hadn't heard all night. Instead of defeat, I can almost hear the undercurrent of the beginnings of hope. Her eyes finally meet mine and the air between us crackles with electricity. There's a hidden defiance deep within them, another challenge. "I swear to God, if you hurt me, I will leap. I'll toss myself from these very cliffs and you'll never see it coming." Her voice finally breaks as she breaks down her final wall.

 _"Settle, precious, I know what you're going through_  
_Just ten minutes before you got here I was gonna jump too"_  
_Yeah we all flirt with the tiniest notion_  
_Of self conclusion in one simplified motion_  
_You see the trick is that you're never supposed act on it_  
_No matter how unbearable this misery gets_

We both take two steps towards each other. She throws her arms around me and holds on for dear life as her sobs shake her to her very core. My neck is wet with her pain, she clutches onto me even harder, burying her face as far as she can into the side of my neck. I hold onto her while rubbing her back, letting her get it all out, letting her storm break, and waiting for the calm. Now is the time for full disclosure, now that she has let down all her walls, it's time I do the same, because this very real moment would have it no other way.

"Settle, precious, I know just what you're going through. Just ten minutes before you got here I was gonna jump too." That's what she is to me, precious and I hope with my final admission she realizes it, feels it. Her soul wrenching sobs have subsided as she looks up at me with questioning eyes, the tears still there but slowing down to a slow trickle.

"Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion of self conclusion in one simplified motion." I look over at the edge we are now a few feet away from. "You see, Spence, the trick is that you're never suppose to act on it, no matter how unbearable this misery gets." Looking back down at her, there's a new light in her eyes that wasn't there before. She gives me a small knowing smile then gently brings her lips up to mine in a the barest of touches. I almost don't feel this kiss except for the fact as soon as her tear stained lips touched mine the universe exploded inside of me, nothing felt more real or more right than her being in my arms, her soft lips brushing against mine.

She places her forehead against mine, looking into my eyes and gives me a genuine smile, no hint of sadness or despair in it, it's a smile of hope and recognition, she feels what I feel. In the distance I hear birds singing and the sky is starting to change into a lighter shade of the darkness it has been.

The stars are starting to leave the sky, their light not as bright as the one coming. I feel her pulling away, her hand clasped tightly in mine as she pulls me down to sit next to her, overlooking the cliff as morning is start to break upon us. She moves so that she's sitting in front of me, her back against me as she take my arms and wraps them tightly around her. Her head leaning back, resting against my shoulder, my chin resting on her shoulder as my legs wrap around hers. We sat like that as a new day started around us. Neither of us moving or saying a word just wrapped in each other and our comfortable silence.

We watched as the dark ocean matched the sky, both getting lighter and lighter as the sun rose, I could feel it's warmth on my back as she felt my warmth on hers. After over an hour there, on the edge, watching a new day start she leans forward and stands up. She reaches her hand out to me to help me up.

"Come on, Ash, it's time to start a new day." There's still sadness in her eyes but more than that, there's hope, so much hope. I smile as I take her outstretched hand and stand up next to her. Her arm goes around my waist immediately as we both lead the other away from the cliff and towards the morning sun and wherever the day will take us. Neither of us looking back at the edge, neither of us has to.


End file.
